You are not alone..not any more!

Never feel lonely as you are not alone

Never feel left out as not everyone is gone,

Remember there is one who lives for You

Remember there is one - for whom it’s only You.

Life is a game; a stage play sometimes

Like Snakes & Ladders, there are falls & climbs,

We come and go; but we stay a fair time

Isn’t it worth, to spend the rest with Love’s chime?

I miss you so much but I do not say any more

They weep with me – the mountains, and the shore…

I worry and wonder if you are alright so far

But then I see my friend - a comforting, smiling star!

The Krishna promised to take care as a star in night

So did The Mahadev as the sun blazing at its height,

Since creation, they are my eternal friends

Do you feel their invisible hand which extends?

The mores, the customs will surely disapprove

To survive, the society has to go into a groove

It is highly unconventional; they are not wrong

It is only up to us, how much are we strong…

An unfulfilled duty still calls for some time of mine

Am committed to the cause as long I do not reach the line,

Without you by my side, this life is a continuous struggle

I accept my past karma and continue in the juggle…

I punish myself each day for not being with you in stride

Hadn’t I promised ages back to be always there by your side?

I hope my punishment brings some happiness to your life

They say this “Law of Balance” would help in your strife!

I look to the day when I am free of my duty

To roam with you in nature’s captivating beauty,

Togetherness and Love, I learnt from you

Do I feel the same now, as the fish sans the blue?

I am sorry for not seeing earlier what I saw late

I am sorry for letting you fight so alone till date…

We still have a long walk on the road to the Main

O my love, would you mind holding my hand again?

I promise never to leave you alone – Come what may

I promise to take away all your sorrows – The happiness stay!

O The Almighty: “Let the law of balance take the charge,

Give me all her pain; allow her to live life large!”

Now you will never feel lonely as you are not alone

Now you will never feel left out as not everyone is gone,

The Almighty makes sure there is one who dies for You

The Mahadev, The Krishna will see one - for whom its only You.

I am sorry for not seeing earlier what I saw late

I am sorry for letting you fight so alone till date…

May all your wishes come true!

Hi!

I do not know if you still follow my blogs....but in the hope that you stumble upon:

Wishing you a very warm and happy Diwali!

Love, Ritesh

{ Missing you more today..festival time without you is not a festival time L }

P.S.

Eat timely, sleep well. Krishna will take care of rest!

  

Star Light, Star bright,
First star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Catch a falling star tonight.
Try and catch a shooting star
make a wish with all your heart,
The stars shine brightly for you
And may all your wishes come true !

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are

Try and catch a shooting star
Make a wish with all your heart,
The stars shine brightly for you
and may all your wishes come true !

Star Light, Star bright,
First star I see tonight..

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.

Up above the world you shine,
Like a night light in the sky
Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are..

A Looser's Race..

It is the festive season but I feel the flow of external communication much less. I just do not visit fb anymore, I had already stopped following tweets for over a month, I do not tweet ( I probably roar on my blogs..sometimes, :P ), I do not read or follow any blog, I am neither there nor active on any other social network site such as Myspace, Google+, Pintrest and so forth.. No one else has pushed me to it but I myself have stopped surfing over the net to hunt for what is going on in someone else’s physical life..though, I am never disconnected at the para-physical levels ( I am not sure if they perceive it.. ).. Friends do meet and call sometimes, I too reciprocate but as I belong to the old school I hardly have sms exchanges. I have always preferred speaking or letter writing. I only drop a text message on the cellphone when I do not expect or need an immediate reply, although, I definitely expect a revert or acknowledgment of the same in some time.

Now I am connected to the world in the same way as I was connected to it six-seven years back, when social networking sites had not taken over the world by a rage. Whether someone agrees to it or not, the whole communication channels have undergone massive reform processes over the last decade and a half. Technology has brought on a revolution which is going to set the trend for the way we are going to live in coming centuries. In my understanding the discovery/creation of the Internet is the biggest after the discovery/invention of Electricity and Nuclear Threat. The first biggest discovery of the man was Fire, second the Language, third was the Screw, fourth the Electricity, fifth the Nuclear capability in the form of an atom bomb and if we survive that, the world will see the sixth in an Advanced form of Internet/connectivity through boxes - small or big, slim or long, mobile or stationed.

A discovery is only significant enough when it dramatically changes the way a man perceives and challenges the world around him. His quest for a win over nature is as old as himself and these discoveries have boosted his moral towards the same. Only if he could understand that winning will not take him anywhere..Moreover as an aberration, his relentless pursuit of victory over nature distances him from his fellow beings, who will be Lost in the frantic race to Win.

..Overall life has a lot to offer when a person has time to listen to its music. I am in less comm with outer world but more with the inner, trying to tune in with what destiny has to offer. Technology has provided the biggest gift of bringing all of us together and nearer than ever before.. let me hope it serves its true purpose in the hands of the whimsical Man. 

Time will tell..

It is exactly a month today. 29^th of September’12 will be a date always remembered.

I am happy of what I found within me on that day. It was long due. A month of introspection probably cleared the remaining grey shadows of earlier grey spots and life is clearer than ever. There is no confusion and disagreement between the mind and the heart now; they both sing the same song.

I believe in the theory of rebirth and past lives. I do not know the reasons quite well, but I see its existence. Normally, we connect dots in our lives since our birth for this very life, and find it puzzling and confusing at times to find that the dots do not connect. It is natural for us to do so, as our memory allows us to only see things from our birth and not beyond. Not usually. I suppose it is not easy to recall & remember all the life times at one point of time and then be ready to play another game separately in the form of this life. The associations we had made earlier would call us, the fights we have fought will push us, the sins we have committed will demoralize us and our earlier promises will keep haunting us. So nature has put on a Forgotten Implant which gets triggered the moment we change the body. We forget the past; we are in today to play another game....

But there is a catch. The past will never leave us, we will always be moved by that, unknowingly. The implant works on the mind at a superficial level only, only till it reaches our memories, so that we indulge in today’s life with a full heart. But the mind functions from deep within, it keeps a track of all we have done and calculates and plan today’s actions with all past charges. What is the way out?

There is one. We get into the layers beneath, we overcome few of the FIs ( Forgotten Implants) and take responsibility for past actions and get charge out of them. We see them " as is " and the track is simplified, those past actions loose their charge on future. We are free of those sins we committed. It is a gradual process and takes long time and hard focus till we do it for most of our past, thus creating happiness for today and tomorrows to come. The time taken could be few lifetimes though.

..When I connected the dots for myself, I reached a little past. I saw that we had been together earlier as one, and I saw why we parted ways in today; we wanted to test a life without each other for fun. We promised each other that we would be back together again, only undermining the impact of the Forgotten Implant. We gave each other an identity which we carry till today so that it would help us recognize each other; just that she does not know about it anymore. Just that I also did not know about it until some time back.

..Doesn’t The promise haunt her? Would she recognize me in any life times to come? Would we be back together any time?

Conditioned Minds, Coloured Hearts...

The evening was reserved for “12 Angry Jurors”. I had heard good reviews of the play when it was staged the last time in Kolkata. Even though I was to leave the next day for my Maduranthakam – Bangalore trip of 15 days and packing was incomplete, I decided in favour of going for the play. Vikas also has keen interest in theatre and he used to be a part of it till college days, so I could not refuse when he asked if I would like to join him  for the show. I told him that I would reach “Gyan Manch” before the scheduled time.

I had completed my schooling till class five from “ Abhinav Bharti Bal Mandir”, and “Gyan Manch” was the auditorium for the same school. It was built while we were still studying at the school. It was a Hindi medium school and would offer schooling only till class Five, thus we all had to change our school after that. With the passage of 27 years the school had become a high school and had changed its name to Abhinav Bharti High School. There was no Hindi medium any more, it would only offer studies in English medium. Gyan Manch also had become quite well known and would be in demand for plays, literary functions, lectures, talks, musical evenings and myriad performances involving a gathering of about 400 persons.

I had not entered my school after passing out from there. The last 27 years seem to have flown by in few months. Time flies fast. The moment I reached the gate I felt very nostalgic. I entered and saw that Vikas was buying tickets at the counter which had been set up near the staircase on the other side. Straight from the gate I saw a canteen, I remembered that few school buses would stand there in my time. On the right the garden stood alone in the sideways. It looked much smaller. I waved at Vikas and shouted that I would be back in few minutes. He was at the ticket counter and there were hardly 3-4 guys in the line. Gyan Manch would be on the right hand corner of the premises, diagonally at an angle of 45 degrees to the main gate of the school and the classes would be on the left. I strode into the main school building without asking permission from anyone, as if the whole school still belonged to me. It was evening and all the children must have left 2-3 hours before. The gatekeeper shouted “Where are you going?” I replied “It is my school!” and I just went in without waiting for his acceptance of the same. I could hear his mumblings behind. Who cared? The gate was open and I could see the fresh paint being done on the walls. That smell of the paint could not take over the smell that I still felt after long 27 years, I never knew it was so vivid in my mind and still so alivein my nostrils. The light was dim, there was only one tubelight switched on in the whole corridor. I suddenly felt young, very young, full of life and hope.

I walked beside the prayer room on my left, and then I opened its gate at the end of the corridor. It was all the same except with marble tiles; we had it cemented then. The garden looked very small. The sound of the prayer chanting started playing in the heart and mind:

“Hey Prabho Ananddata, Gyan Hamko Dijiye....” In my mind the flashback reeled on: I saw Ramrajji Masterjee standing head bent and eyes closed in one corner. I saw Nandita Behanji, Gauri Behanji, Anusuya Behanji, Arti Behanji on the sideways with folded hands and I also saw Leela Behanji trying to see if we were properly dressed or not with her sharp eyes and a grin on the face. It all looked real until the creaking of a window pane shook me out of my reverie. I was back at my age, the prayer seemed to be going on in the heart, I could still hear it and my lips followed. I moved back pulling the door and went ahead towards the end of the corridor. After the staircase and at the left end I could see the same ten ,twelve taps in a row, the shape had changed though. We would take the bottle to the school but invariably would drink water from there everyday. It was not packaged drinking water as we get now everywhere, but we felt safe anyway. I remember that till class XII I had been drinking from the taps the same way with one hand on the tap and one below the mouth to collect the water poured from it. I bent myself and drank once again only realising that the last time I did the same here, I had to move myself up. I had grown in height since but am not sure if I know more about life today, than then.

They had made a gate to the canteen at the right side opposite the staircase and I moved in to take a look. The canteen would attach to Gyan Manch. Vikas was there. I called him and invited him for a tour of my school. He was hesitant whether the gatekeepers would allow but then we entered the school through the canteen door. Here we were in front of the staircase. I had already taken a tour of ground floor so I just pulled him with me to first floor. We went up till the balcony on the first floor, I saw the Staff Room at the far end of the corridor on the first floor, it was still at the same space. It had a lock and I wondered if it still had the same seating arrangement and almirahs behind all the chairs with a big board table in the middle. I had butterflies in my stomach… Would Ramrajji Masterjee call me there with my holiday homework copy? I had never done my holiday home work in my whole school life. I could actually never find time for it during holidays and would only think of doing it once school reopened.

I showed Vikas the place in the balcony where we would stand with our friends waiting for the buses to come in . I remembered how I would arrive early as the school was near to my place and wait for my friends to reach by buses. I never had to take a bus for any of my schools. I told him that “Lorry” would also stand near the garden with other buses. He seemed confused; I remembered that he did not know that “Lorry” was name of a bus and was not a truck (a truck is popularly known as Lorry in the Hindi language), I smiled and clarified. He smiled too; I felt as if he was also remembering the names of his school buses which brought a smile on his face. The ground seemed very near. It felt a little confusing. I went to the second floor with him and showed him a place where Lila Behanji had made me stand after making a moustache on me. I could not recall it was for which deed, but I am sure it must have been the holiday home work :P ; In any case she was infamous for making the moustache on children’ faces. Everybody feared her and nobody liked her. What would I do if I meet her now?.. I would probably bow down to touch her feet and then hug her very old, frail body. I felt a respect and attachment for her which I never felt when she taught us. I felt humbled by what all my teachers tried to teach me; only if I could understand it then..

I was in class four and She would sit diagonally opposite to me at the other end. She was very dark but had extremely beautiful eyes, long hair and sharp features. I was too young to understand anything of love then but I very vividly remember looking into her eyes for long to which she would respond equally. We did not speak much but admired each other a lot. We had spent a long time just looking at each other, her eyes were one of the most beautiful eyes I have ever come across till today, very serene and calm. She had left school after class IV and we never met again. Standing in front of my class IV room, I saw her too. She was still looking into my eyes with a slight smile on her face.

So many scenes of those days flashed by in seconds. I do not remember much of my life before class V but whatever I do remember, is all good. The memory of me standing at the same place about 28-29 years back, wearing white half shirt and half pant with black shoes, and speaking to Deepak Bothra, Vikas Saraf, Sachin Kanodia, Devendra Bhargava, Vikas Jaiswal... It seemed unreal, life was so simple and happy then. I wanted to stay back and spend some more time with my memories but the play would start soon. I turned back and glanced at the right. I studied in Montessori there in that hall and on top of the same hall in 3rd floor we had Manovikas Kendra where children with special needs would come to study.  Connecting the dots I understood why I was teaching them now in my spare time and why they still hold a special place in my heart. They were the first impressions of God’s discrimination on my little heart then, still unfazed.

We came back and saw the play. I stood up and applauded the last scene... Isn’t Life all about conditioned minds and coloured hearts? My journey is to know me as I am, as I stand without being biased by morals, customs, society, the world, family, friends, pressures, rules and regulations, the time, the place, the background, the upbringing... the conditions, the colours.

So I accept what I see... wrong or right, dark or bright… and I express what I feel... without conditions, without colours.

Its time You come..

Last Sunday evening was spent with a close friend with theatre again..had gone to see a play, Salt & Pepper, directed by Vikranth Pawar . The cast included Darshan Jariwala, Mandira Bedi, Vikram Kochhar and Kuki Grewal. The play comprised of 10-11 random acts from day-to-day life and ran for about 2 hours in total. Few of the acts were very well directed, with excellent dialogues - which challenges the way you perceive life and makes you think again about the stand you take. A few were humorous and funny,  but the rest were just very commonplace..or it may have been the case that I could not relate to them much.

One has to accept that Darshan Jariwala is really brilliant on stage..a real theatre guy..he was very much into the role and his dialogue delivery seemed spontaneous and flawless. Vikram did not have such complex roles as Jariwala but still managed to do well. Mandira was just about average, ( she is better with the words than with expressions),  and Kuki, ..well, she was just not fit for the stage. She seemed to be lapping up audience attention more than the play itself. Had dialogues not been there, her acting would have really changed the message of the play to God knows what.

The play depicted intra relationship dynamics in various stages of life between people from diverse backgrounds..representing both the male and female perspectives. As I had just been through a very depressing week, and was still not really out of it, dialogues made more sense than what they normally would have..Life travelled intermittently between transience and constancy, between despair and promise..sometimes it seemed brittle but changed form to something more resilient  by intervals..Believe it or not, I could see through the roles, the dialogues, the masks..they spoke of my life and perhaps, of others as well.

Life has taken sharp twists and turns of late and wants to test me again. I want to yell “C’mon, I am ready!..” as usual, but strangely find my voice feeble this time, breaking away....I ponder as I write; O life, I am down, but I accept whatever you throw at me with respect..Didn’t I love challenges!..I am not sure of winning this time, but I will fight back..and I promise to fight back righteously.

Hey Krishna !..Are you listening ?.. Time you come..

Yes or No..?

There is a typical pertinent dilemma - that we face many times over. To say Yes, or to say No !

It could be anywhere, anytime, with anyone and doing anything. The choice can be difficult and confusing. How do we get out of it..how do we solve it..how do we reach to the right answer..?

There are loads of books on teaching us to say “No” and another load of them who encourage us to accept, face the challenges, take risks and say “Yes”.  Where do we ultimately head to..?

Let me share Four simple rules that I made to myself to deal with the dilemma; I do not know whether they reach  to the right answer, Right and Wrong being very relative, but following them definitely makes me feel better.

Rule 1:

Scene 1: If someone asks for something, my first reaction (intentionally) should be to give. If I can bear the loss easily, I should invariably give, keeping it simple. I have eliminated in me the thought process of -  how it will help other, whether it will help other....does not make much sense, I should do what I should do. If one needs it and I can do without it, its his.

Scene 2: If I need what he asks for, I say No.     

         

Scene 3: But when I have high affinity with the person concerned,(close relatives or a good friend), I believe that  he has fair right on my possessions. Even if it demands some pain, I will take it and try to give what is needed.

Scene 4: And if I love the person concerned, (close friends or a little more than friends, he or she), I will always give it. If I do not have but then I can arrange, I will arrange it. If I cannot arrange, then I will try harder to arrange it.... Period. For me, love is uppermost. Nothing lies beyond. I live for it, I do not even mind dying for it.

Rule 2:

Scene 1: Anyone asks me to do something and its not my job, I will direct him to where it can be done.

Scene 2: He persists/insists a little more on me doing it, I will say NO.

Scene 3: A friend asks me to do something, I will try to do unless it is highly demanding; does not matter whether it is my job or not.

Scene 4: If I love the person and he/she asks me to do something; consider it done. No questions asked.

Rule 3:

Scene 1: Someone asks for an advice or suggests a problem of his, I will use my day-to-day self and advise without spending much time over it.

Scene 2: The guy wants more advice than normal, I will charge him.

Scene 3: If its a friend, I will discuss the matters with him/her..contemplate and ponder..will take time to assess his situation..and tell him my mind.

Scene 4: If I love the person, his/her problem is my problem. I will go to the root of the problem, scan the options in mind.. and then if at all I feel  that I am not good enough to understand the problem correctly and think of a permanent solution, I will take help from the experts on it..  discuss what they have to say.. will again take some time.. will pray to the Almighty to give me an insight into it, and, show us the right path.. and then, finally suggest him/her about what my mind says, and,  what my heart speaks.. I will stand beside as long as the problem is not rooted out.

Rule 4:

Scene 1: When I want to do something - I will say Yes and do it.

Scene 2: When I want to do something and it harms another - I will say No, and literally avoid it as much as I can, checking the options without it.

Scene 3: When I want to do something I believe in, but, which the world is not approving of - I will surely do it. I give world's approval a damn; please f*** off and let me live my life - my way.

Scene 4: When I want to do something I believe in, and my friends or loved ones go against the idea, what  will I do?.. I will never say them f*** off ..{ Of course how can I? Can I afford to live without you guys?..Never. Bloody I love you too much to let you go :-)! }....What then?.. I will simply smile - and do it anyway :P. I know my loved ones would be angry for the time being, but they will be back, grinning though ;). And moreover, would I not be ready to face their wrath ;)....I know what I have to say to them: ..Agli baar nahi karenge yaar, chhor na.. jaan lega kya ab bachhe ki ....yaar, maloom tere ko, kitna mazaa aa raha tha ;):P!....and how much I missed you then :P....Love you na :-)!

....

The above rules really help in taking quick decisions for a Yes or a No! . They keep my happiness quotient high; things seem easier; and life - more simple.

Try and see, if they work with you as well ..:-)!..and remember to let me know. I will eagerly be waiting for your feedback !